Looking for Myself
by galindapopular
Summary: Sequel to Prom Problems and Lost Love. With her marriage to Adam falling apart, and her own feelings of self worth shaky Julie finds comfort with an old friend.
1. Chapter 1

**Summary: With her marriage to Adam falling apart, and her own feelings of self worth shaky Julie finds comfort with an old friend.**

**Author's Note: OK, so here's the deal. I'm not abandoning the crossover. I promise promise promise I will go back to it. I'm just low on inspiration for it at the moment. I feel like I've got a fully flushed out story for this one, and kind of a dramatic one, compared to my others. Even the others connected to this one. Just a warning, there are really strong religious themes, I'm not sure why, I just sort of wrote it like that. Some of the things that Julie and Dean say may sound a little wierd if you aren't Catholic...I hope they aren't taken the wrong way, it's a Catholic thing, we get a little into our own culture from time to time. But afterward we always feel really guilty about it though. Anyway, I hope it is enjoyed.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own any of these characters.

* * *

Looking For Myself **

Chapter 1: The Baby

Looking For Myself Looking For Myself 

Julie woke up, refreshed from the first good night's sleep she had gotten in almost two weeks. She'd been agonizing over what she should do and then driving so sleep hadn't come easily. For some reason she had slept more soundly in one night on Dean Portman's couch than she had next to her husband in almost a year. She knew she should call him, but couldn't do it. She wasn't ready for that yet. Knowing Adam, he would call her mother, and knowing her mother she would tell him exactly where she was. She had her cell phone switched off, and got off the couch. She suddenly realized the date and remembered that she had promised herself she would go to church that day. Real church, Catholic Mass, not the protestant services she'd been going to twice a year, since she married Adam. She would light a candle and say a prayer to the Virgin Mary, asking her to care of her baby. She would go to confession and ask forgiveness for living a lie for the past twelve months. She was going to be the perfect Catholic from now on, it had been way too long since she set foot in a church and received communion, too long since she said a Rosary, too long since she could actually look her mother in the eye without the burn of Irish Catholic guilt piercing her soul. The problem was she was far away from anything familiar, and that included a parish that she knew she could go to. As she was wrapped in thought, Dean came out of the bedroom, he smiled as he looked at her with her head in her hands.

"Hey," he said sitting next to her. "You sleep ok?"

"Yeah," she said looking at him, "I slept great actually, the best I have in a while. Dean, where's the nearest church?"

"Real church?" He joked, nudging her. She remembered how at Eden Hall, she, Portman and Luis used to make fun of the overly preppy WASPs that surrounded them. They were the only Catholics on the Ducks, and part of a small contingent at Eden Hall who used to ride a bus to mass every Sunday and on Holy Days of Obligation.

"I need confession like a whore who slept with a pope," Julie laughed, "and I need to light a candle."

"For Adam," Dean said quietly.

"No, not for Adam," she shook her head. "A year ago today, I miscarried, I need to ask Our Lady to take care of my baby. I should have done it a long time ago."

"You were pregnant?" Dean said looking at her, he knew how hard that was, his mom had lost two babies. "How far along?"

"Six weeks," she said, "six weeks of complete pregnant bliss. I didn't mind the puking, everyone said that I was glowing, and then it ended." She started to cry, "it ended just as fast as it came. And it killed me, because I know it happens all the time, and I know that Adam and I could have tried again, but I got the feeling he didn't want to. When he came home that day, and found me in bed, he seemed almost relieved, like he hadn't wanted the baby to begin with. That's when it all started, he started working all the time, I stopped writing, and we fell apart. When I finally asked him about trying again, he said that he wasn't sure he even wanted kids." She shook her head. "I have to have kids, Dean, I mean, Adam doesn't get it as much, he's so, well he's so,"

"Protestant?" Dean said filling in the blanks.

"I didn't want to say that." She said. "But yeah, god, did you know I practically became one of them? I went to a service on Christmas and Easter and didn't set foot in a church any other time. I mean, a service, not even mass. I was in a country club with women who planned to have all two of their children by cesarean on planned due dates, because it's easier to get your figure back that way." She laughed at her own idiocy, "I sat and drank tea with them, and planned fundraisers, and put my career and family on hold to fit in to their little world. God, I feel like I'm in confession now."

"I'd give you a pretty easy penance," Dean laughed along with her. "Listen, the church is a decent drive from here, I'll go with you if you want. You know in case lightening strikes your protestant ass down." She laughed and playfully slapped him. "Nah, I'm kidding with you. I always knew deep down you were still the good Catholic girl my mother wanted me to fall in love with."

"I'd like it if you'd come with me," she nodded, "do you go often?"

"Every Sunday," he smiled, "and Holy Days."

"And Holy Days," Julie nodded and then smiled, "I feel like we should call Luis." Dean laughed.

"Come on Cat," he said, putting his arm around her as they walked towards the door, "let's get you some absolution."

* * *

Adam walked through the door of his house, it had been two weeks since he had been home. He'd been away on business, and he hated that he hadn't been home that night. She probably thought he hadn't remembered, but he remembered that day more clearly than any other in his life. He had walked in, much like he did now and his wife, his precious Julie, his lovely Cat, was curled up in their bed crying. It had broken his heart to see the strong woman he loved reduced to that. He knew she was probably a wreck now. 

"Julie," he shouted, "I'm home." He walked up the stairs. "Jules?" He walked into the bedroom. He saw an envelope sitting on the pillow with his name on it. "Shit." He mumbled as he took the envelope and opened it.

_Dearest Adam,_

_I know this is the wrong way to do this. Actually I don't know that there's a right way to do this. I've been thinking for a long time, almost a year actually. After we lost the baby I felt like I lost you too. I know I lost myself. So that's what I'm doing now, I'm finding Julie again. I can't promise I'll be back, I do promise I'll call you soon. I love you so much, but I just don't know that that's enough any more._

_All my love,_

_Julie_

It was about the baby. He knew it had to be about the baby. He never should have said the things he said. He did want kids, he wanted a family. But he had been so afraid, he had been so afraid that it would happen again, that she would feel that joy and then that loss all over again. He couldn't stand to see her that unhappy again. But the more he thought about it, the more he realized even without the added unhappiness of a lost baby, she had still been miserable over the past year. He just ignored it, he buried himself in work. He also knew his wife, there would be two people who most likely knew where she was. He picked up the phone and dialed his mother in laws number. He heard the phone ring twice.

"Hello?" he heard, Jane Gaffney's voice on the other end.

"Jane?" He said, realizing he sounded panicked. "Jane? Is she there?"

"She's on her way Adam." She bit her lip. "She ran into Dean Portman last night. She stayed with him, rather than drive all night. She said she was going to call me when she was leaving."

"Portman? She's at Portman's?" He said barely believing it. He had expected her to go to her mother, to Luis maybe, but not to Portman.

"Well, that's what she said." Jane stated flatly. While she had always liked her son in law, she knew how unhappy her daughter had been over the past year. "Do you remember what today is, Adam?"

"I remember," he sighed, "all too well. Maybe I'll call her cell phone." He said out loud to himself.

"Don't bother," Jane said, "she turned it off. I already tried." Jane sighed. "Just give her time to breathe Adam. Let her come back to you. I'll tell her you called when I talk to her."

"Right, thanks Jane." He said, hanging up the phone. He picked it up again, and almost called Charlie Conway. He needed to talk to his best friend, but suddenly he realized he didn't need the Duck chain spreading this. He hadn't included them in any of his and Julie's problems since they lost the baby. They probably all thought they still had the perfect marriage. Finally he decided he couldn't be alone, so he just swallowed his pride and made the phone call.

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**Reviews Please!**


	2. Chapter 2

**Author's note: Hey everyone, I know the last chapter was an eensy bit depressing...this one gets a little better, though its still really sad. I'm still just getting the story together.**

**Disclaimer: I still don't own anything.

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Chapter 2: Confession and Penance**

Julie had gone into the confessional and poured her heart out. The young priest who she confessed to hadn't judged her or made her feel inadequate, but told her that she had the light of God inside her. Her penance was to call her husband and to ask Our Lady and Jesus to give her the strength and humility to fix what was broken.

Dean looked at her kneeling, her hands clasped, bathed in candle light. God, she was so beautiful, but she was screwed up. She wasn't the same girl she was when they were eighteen, or even when they were twenty. She was a sad, broken woman right now. And he also knew that he couldn't fix her

Julie knelt at the tiny shrine in front of the Pieta. She took one of the long matches provided and lit one of the many candles. She whispered a "Hail Mary" and then looked at the statue. She saw the blessed mother cradling the body of her dead son, a vision that normally gave her chills of fear and pity now made her envious. There was a body to cradle. She began to pray out loud, but quietly, the way her mother had taught her to offer up intentions, to ask as if you were asking a friend for a favor.

"Mary, I know this isn't the way I'm supposed to do this. I know I'm supposed to address you as the queen of heaven, most holy virgin and all that. But today I'm asking you for a favor. A year ago my baby went up to you, and I need to know that you'll take care of her, or him." She whispered. "We all know you know how to take care of a baby, and I need you to take care of her. I like to think that she was a girl. A little girl who I could raise to be a strong woman, like my mom raised me, so take care of her, please? Amen." She blessed herself and stood up, and walked over to Dean.

"You feel better?" He said with a smile on his face.

"Yeah," she said as they headed towards the door. As they walked back out into the sunshine. "I should get on the road."

"Yeah," he said. "You're sure you don't want to stay for a couple of days?"

"No," she said, "Thanks though, for everything." She hugged him.

"Call me when you get to Maine, alright?" He said as the hugged. "I need to know you safe OK?"

"Yeah," she smiled, "of course. Thanks again. Come on, I'll drive you home"

"Thanks." He said, they walked to her car. As they drove, he looked at her. "Julie, you're baby's in heaven, you know that right?"

"Yeah," she smiled. "I always knew that, which is why I managed to keep going I think."

"He or she," He said, "is watching over you. They're special angels."

"You sound like an Italian Grandma." She laughed at him.

"Where do you think I got it?" He laughed back, then he got quiet. "That's what she told my mom, after."

"Your mom lost a baby?" Julie said quietly.

"Two," he said nodding, "The second right before our freshman year at Eden Hall. That's one of the reasons I didn't go right away, we were getting ready for a new baby, and then, well."

"Right," she smiled. "But she had you, and your sisters."

"That's true." He said. "But I always wanted those baby brothers."

"You identified them as boys?" Julie said, as they stopped.

"Wishful thinking maybe," he laughed. "Three sisters will do that to a guy."

"I like to think mine was a girl." Julie smiled. "I was going to name her Katherine, call her Kitty. That way I would be naming her after myself but no one would know it, you know?"

"Kitty Banks," he tasted the name. "It's missing something, a syllable or two."

"I guess certain people expected her to be Kitty Mendoza." She shrugged. "I don't think Heather ever completely let go of that dream."

"Heather," Portman laughed, thinking of his high school girlfriend. "How is Heather?"

"Good, she loves her job, she's in Japan now." Julie said. "She goes there a lot; she said she's like totally in love with it." She imitated her old friend's voice. "I miss her. I miss a lot of things, lately."

"Things?" Dean said, he couldn't believe they were still sitting in her car. "What kind of things?"

"You know, the Ducks, Luis, Heather," she shrugged. "I mean we've been split up for so long now, I mean, I haven't seen you since the wedding, I only see Connie like two or three times a year. We see Charlie a lot," she laughed, "but that's because he's Adam's best friend. God, I so lost myself in this Mrs. Banks thing. I was never that kind of girl before."

"I know," Dean said, "well, good luck finding yourself. Call your husband!" He hugged her and got out of the car. He watched her drive away, so much for second chances.

* * *

Adam waited as he heard the phone ring. He just needed someone to talk to.

"Hey Banksie," Charlie said, picking up his cell phone. "What's going on?" He had been having a good day, he had just gotten a great deal on a huge shipment of sticks for the sports shop, where he still worked.

"Julie left me and she's staying with Portman." Adam said, there it was out.

"Julie left you?" Charlie asked, caught completely off guard. "Did she say why? I mean, did you say she's staying with _Portman?_ Like Dean Portman?"

"What other Portman would I mean?" Adam said, "she left because of the baby. Or I think it's because of the baby."

"The baby was a year ago Adam." Charlie said. "You know that can't be the only reason."

"I've been working a lot." He said, "I guess that could be it."

"Have you talked to her?" Charlie said.

"No, she's not answering her cell." He said.

"Portman?" Charlie said, "I mean really? Not Luis? I would expect Luis, but Portman?"

"I know," Adam said. "I just don't know what to do, you know. Jane said to give her space, but I just want to hold her you know? God, over this past year I've done and said some really stupid things you know?"

"Yes, telling Julie that you didn't want to have kids when it's all she ever wanted was a stupid thing." Charlie said the thing that Adam was afraid to.

"If we had tried again like she wanted to, we could have had a baby by now, or she'd be pregnant again." Adam sighed. "None of this would have happened."

"Yeah," Charlie said, "do you want me to come over, or do you want to come here?"

"Could you come here?" Adam said, "I don't know when she's going to call, or whether she'll call the house, or what."

"Right, I'll be over as soon as I can." Charlie said, "Hang in there buddy."

"Great, thanks." Adam said, "Oh and Charlie, would you mind not starting the Duck chain on this one?"

"You got it." Charlie nodded. "I'll talk to you soon."

* * *

Julie sighed, staring at her cell phone sitting on the passenger seat. She knew what she needed to do. She picked it up turned it on, and dialed her home number instinctively. She hoped that he was alone; this wasn't a conversation she wanted to have while Charlie was in the room. The phone rang.

Adam held the phone and stared at it. He felt like he could will it to ring if he really wanted to. As he thought this, it rang.

"Hello," he said, picking it up on the first one.

"Hi," she said softly, "It's me."

"Hi," he said, matching her tone. "Where are you?"

"In the car." She said.

"You're mom said you were at Portman's?" Adam phrased it as a question though he didn't know why.

"Yeah, I stopped at this bar last night, he was working there." She explained. "We got to talking, he asked if I wanted to crash on his couch, I did."

"That's it?" He said, feeling relieved, "nothing else?"

"He took me to church this morning." Julie shrugged, "to pray for the baby."

"You went to Church?" Adam said. "Catholic Church?"

"I know, I haven't been in years, but I just felt like I needed confession," she explained, "it made me feel better."

"So you're coming home," he said, thinking that feeling better meant this whole ordeal was over.

"No, no, I'm going to Maine for a while," she said. "I'll call you when I get there."

"Yeah," He said, "I'd like that."

"I'm sorry I Adam," she sighed, "I really am." Then she hung up and kept driving, trying to hold back the tears in her eyes.

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**Reviews please! **


	3. Chapter 3

**Author's Note: Again, I'm really glad that you guys are enjoying the story. This chapter is much more in my usual style...although I ripped off my writing style from, well read my profile and see who my favorite writer is...but yeah, a lot more dialogue and finally I make a major connection to the original story...I mean besides the Portman dated Heather thing, which was mentioned in passing last chapter.**

**Disclaimer: I still don't own anything, it's pretty sad.

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Chapter 3: Exes United, Memory Relived**

Dean sat in his apartment, looking at an old picture of the Ducks from LA. He couldn't believe how young they were. They were barely thirteen and in their Team USA jerseys. He looked at Julie in the middle with her arm around Luis. He was standing in the back with Fulton, their arms crossed and their faces tilted up in an overly confident but still highly goofy pose. It made him smile and think about all of the great times they had had together as a team. That summer had been one of the greatest of his life. He had his first kiss that summer, with Julie. They had been together-ish, as together as a pair of thirteen year olds with nothing in common but a sport could be, but it hadn't gone past the games. He had watched her go from Scooter to Luis, and then have her heart broken, and then end up with Adam. All that time he had kept quiet about how much he loved her. He knew that very few people knew about their time together, he had only told Fulton. He imagined that Heather probably knew, and Connie, and then Julie's college room mate Jen. He vaguely recalled discussing it with Luis after Julie and Adam's rehearsal dinner, although they had both been very drunk and depressed, so he guessed that Julie had probably told him about it. He realized that there probably was only one other person who could understand what he was feeling right now. He went over to his phone, picked it up and dialed it. He heard it ring twice. Then he heard a woman's voice on the other end.

"Hello, Mendoza residence." He smiled, he hadn't talked to Luis' mom in years. When Mr. Mendoza had a heart attack a few years before Luis had moved back to Miami and in with his parents to help.

"Hi, Mrs. Mendoza," he said in his best charm the parents voice, "It's Dean Portman how are you?"

"Dean!" She said sounding excited. "I'm wonderful. Luis is working outside at the moment, do you want me to get him?"

"That would be wonderful, yeah." Dean laughed.

"How have you been?" She said, "how's the bar?"

"Everything's been great, the owner said that he's getting ready to sell. I have the money saved, it should be good." He said, he loved that his friend's family was concerned about him.

"That's good," She sounded genuinely warm. "Oh, good, he's inside now. Luis, it's Dean Portman." Luis smiled and nodded.

"Hey Portman what's up?" Luis said. "Need a new tender for the bar, finally get me back up north?"

"Better news than that, or worse, depending on your perspective." Dean said, "Julie left Adam."

"Really?" Luis said curiously, "oh right, probably because of the baby."

"You knew about the baby?" Dean said.

"Yeah," Luis said quietly. "She called me the next day. She had a really hard time of it. From what I understand Adam didn't make it much better."

"She came into the bar last night." Dean said. "I had her sleep on my couch, then I took her to church this morning."

"You got Mrs. Banks into church?" Luis said. "Mama tried to say a rosary over the phone with her after she lost the baby and she wouldn't even do that."

"It was her idea." Portman said curiously. "Look man, I just wanted to tell you."

"You're still not over her?" Luis said. "It's been what fifteen years since you last kissed her?"

"What can I say?" Portman said, "I love her, always have. Besides, you're one to talk. I seem to recall a certain ex boyfriend punching out a certain estranged husband."

"That was a year after," Luis said, "not thirteen. Besides I've moved on."

"I moved on too." Portman sighed.

"Fucking Heather in the bathroom at Julie and Adam's wedding doesn't really qualify as moving on." Luis said. "Look we could spend the rest of our lived talking about how she's the sun and moon, but it won't change the fact that right now, that's not what she needs. She needs friends."

"Yeah," he said. "God, at least she loved you. I was just that sweet little crush she had before she knew any better."

"Maybe you should call Scooter." Luis said. "From what I understand, he sees himself as the guy who groomed her for Banks. He likes to forget that I was in the middle."

"Yeah well, you did sort of cause her to break up with him." Dean laughed. "Look, I've got to open the bar. I'll talk to you soon."

"Talk to you soon man." Luis said hanging up the phone. He walked into the living room where his mother was sitting. "Julie left Adam, I think I have to go to Maine."

"Good," his mother said. "She shouldn't have married him to begin with. He was never right for her, she should have…"

"Mama," Luis said shaking his head and interrupting her, "She wasn't ever going to marry me."

"Only because you couldn't control yourself," she said, "you broke her heart, its no wonder she went to someone as opposite of you as could possibly exist."

"Yes, when I was seventeen I made a very big mistake, but it was nearly ten years ago, can we move on please? I'm going to call Julie, and then I may be away for a while." He said throwing his hands up.

"Fine," she said, picking up a magazine. "Try not to screw it up this time Luis."

Julie very happily arrived at her parent's house in Maine. She hadn't been this happy to see it since she came home from Eden Hall the first time when she was fourteen. There was something very very nice about being home. She took her bag out of the back seat and walked up to the door. She turned the knob and walked in.

"Mom? Dad?" She said, putting her bag down.

"Oh, sweetie!" Her mother came running and enveloped her in a hug. She closed her eyes and let her body go limp accepting it. "How are you feeling?"

"I'm tired." She said quietly. "I just want to go to bed."

"I put fresh sheets on your old bed." Jane said quietly. "Go right on up."

"Thanks," Julie said pulling out of her mom's arms and walking up the stairs. "Oh, and Mom, please don't call him. I'll call him when I wake up."

"I won't," Jane said. "I promise." Julie trudged up the stairs and then collapsed on her bed. She passed out and fell into a deep sleep.

As Jane settled back into her chair the door bell rang, and she got up and answered it. Her jaw dropped.

"Luis?" She said, unable to form any other words.

"Hi, Mrs. Gaffney," He said, "is Julie here?"

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**Keep the reviews comin people! PS Updates will probably become less frequent as I start a new semester on Wednesday! Wish me luck!**


	4. Chapter 4

**Author's note: OK, once again, I love you all for reviewing. Someone (I don't remember who, and don't feel like checking right now) said I made it seem like Luis and Dean were "swooping in." I didn't mean to. I meant to more give the idea that they still care very deeply about her and want to make sure she was OK. Anyway, I hope you all continue to read and like the story. You get a little more emotion from Adam in this chapter, although his part is still kinda small. Also, I haven't the faintest idea why the third chapter isn't showing up...it annoys me.**

**Disclaimer: I actually own a character for once! I made up this guy Jim at the end...also his friend Ted, but besides those two, still nothing!

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Chapter 4: Reunion**

"She's asleep." Jane said, opening the door all the way. "Come in though." She gave him a hug. "It's been a while."

"Four years, since the wedding," he said, nodding. "It's good to see you though."

"I assume since you're here, you know," she said, sitting down in the living room. "The question would be how?"

"Portman called me." He said. "I figured she could use a friend. If you don't think, I should,"

"No, no you're right." She said, interrupting him. "Heather's in Japan, which I think is the only reason she's not here, but she definitely could use someone."

"How is she?" He said.

"She's fine," Jane said, "as fine as she can be. She was exhausted when she got in. She'd been driving for so long."

"Yeah," he said.

"Look, she fell asleep almost four hours ago," Jane smiled, Luis had broken Julie's heart, but it was over ten years ago, he was long ago redeemed and forgiven. "I could go wake her up, do you want something to eat?"

"Don't wake her up," he said, "but food would be good."

"I just finished dinner." Jane said and pointed to the kitchen. "Sit down, I'm going to go wake her up. God only knows the last time she ate anything."

"Ok," he laughed, he'd eaten in this house enough times to know that when Jane said it was time for dinner, it was time for dinner. He walked into the kitchen and sat down at the table.

* * *

Charlie was sitting with Adam. He didn't know what to say. He had never even really been in love, let alone had the love of his life leave him. Charlie knew better than anyone how much Adam loved Julie. He had seem first hand how many times Adam kept his feelings to himself as Julie went from boy to boy, listened to him rant about how Luis didn't deserve her when he cheated on her. He had been best man at their wedding, and was promised godfather privileges when Julie found out she was pregnant. He had come over and sat with Adam as he wept the night they lost the baby. Over the past year he and Adam had had countless nights out where Adam just sat and babbled about how confused he was, how he couldn't read Julie anymore, how they weren't having sex anymore, how she wasn't writing, and they would just sit and not talk to each other. It had been excruciating. The good thing about his and Adam's relationship was that Charlie knew he could criticize Adam without Adam getting angry. Charlie knew exactly where the line was, and when it was OK to cross it.

"I just don't know where we went wrong you know?" Adam said, "we were the perfect couple."

"Maybe that's where you went wrong," Charlie said, "you thought you were perfect, but people change. They need things Adam, obviously Julie needed something."

"She needed that baby," he said, "did you know she named her? Kitty, that's what she decided. If it was a girl obviously."

"Kitty," Charlie smiled, "like Kitty Cat, I get it."

"Yeah," Adam said quietly. "Kitty Cat. I would be holding her now. She'd be three months old."

"Don't think like that." Charlie said, "you'll go crazy if you do."

"I think I might anyway." He said. "God, I wanted that baby."

"Maybe you should have told Julie that." Charlie said.

"Yeah," Adam said. "I know."

* * *

"Julie?" Jane walked into her daughters bedroom. Julie was sound asleep on top of the covers. "Sweetie, wake up." Julie stirred.

"Hi Mom." She said.

"I made dinner." Jane said. "Come eat."

"I'm not hungry." She said rolling over.

"When did you last eat?" Jane said.

"I don't remember." Julie said.

"Did you eat with Dean?" She asked.

"No," Julie whispered.

"So that's over twenty four hours. And you have a visitor." Jane said.

"I told you not to call him." Julie said, "he shouldn't have come here, I told him that I didn't want to…"

"I didn't say it was Adam." Jane said.

"Then who is it?" Julie said, sitting up. "Heather's still in Japan and no one else knows I'm here but Dean."

"Ah, that's what you'll find out if you come down to dinner." Jane said. "But I think you'll be happy to see them."

"Fine," she stood up, "But I'm really not hungry."

"You will be once you start eating." Jane said.

Julie walked down the stairs and into the kitchen rubbing her eyes. The sleep had been good, but not nearly long enough. She looked over at the table.

"Luis!" She said. He stood up and walked over. She rushed over and wrapped him in a hug. He put his arms around her and closed his eyes. It felt good to hold her again. "It's good to see you." She said, not letting go.

"It's good to see you too, Cat." He said, letting go. He looked at her, she didn't look much like herself. She looked thin, and obviously tired, but there was sadness in her that had never been there before, but she was still incredibly beautiful and he wasn't any less enamored of her. "How are you doing?"

"Better," she smiled, then thought for a minute "Did Adam call you?"

"Portman," he said.

"Right," she looked at the table, where a pot of spaghetti sauce sat, "Oh wow, I really am hungry."

"Well, that happens when you don't eat for twenty four hours." Jane laughed. "Dig in you two."

* * *

Dean was working behind the bar, a group of regulars were sitting watching a hockey game. He looked up and noticed that it was the Anaheim Ducks playing. He smiled, he liked watching the Ducks play.

"Heard you left with a girl last night, Portman," Jim, one of the regulars hinted, "you get lucky?" Dean blushed. "You did?"

"No man," he said, "it wasn't like that. Julie's an old friend, she's having some marital problems. She stayed with me on the way to her mom's."

"Bummer," Jim said, "Ted said she was hot."

"Ted had his tongue so far down Leslie throat I didn't think he would have noticed." Dean said shaking his head. "Nah, it's not like that with her. I mean, it could have been, once upon a time, but it faded kinda fast."

"Still carry a torch though, from how you're talking." Jim laughed.

"She's married though," he said. "I'm not about that."

"You said she was having problems." Jim said.

"Problems, yes, but a divorce, no," Dean said. "Look, isn't this backward, aren't you supposed to be telling me your girl problems?"

"True," he laughed. "Just watch the game."

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**A/N: Reviews Please! I am going to try and keep updating, hopefully at least once a week, if not more!**


	5. Chapter 5

**Author's Note: So this chapter is a little different, also shorter. It's strictly Julie...all from her perspective. I almost threw some other stuff but I decided that I liked it like this.**

**Disclaimer: I still don't own anything. It's a shame

* * *

Chapter 3: A stolen kiss and a precious moment **

Julie and Luis sat on the couch talking. She smiled. It had been four years since she last saw him. She had always had a sort of easy relationship with Luis, with strong exception that one year, the year she got together with Adam. They talked often, even if they never saw each other. She had called him before any one else, even Heather and Connie, when she lost the baby. She was really happy to be with him now.

"How's your dad doing?" She said, Mr. Mendoza's heart attack years before had changed all of their lives, because it took Luis away from Minnesota and back to Miami. "Is he working again?"

"No," Luis shook his head. "He decided to retire, which was a good plan. I'm moving up north again soon I think."

"Back to Minneapolis?" Julie asked eagerly, although she didn't know if her own future would lead her there.

"I haven't decided yet." He shrugged. "When Portman buys that bar I might work for him."

"He wants to buy it?" Julie said, "he didn't mention that."

"He doesn't like to." Luis shrugged. "I always have to ask him how things are going."

"I can't believe that he's gonna own his own business." Julie said. "And you're gonna work for him?"

"With, actually," Luis said, "I have some money, I might help him buy it."

"Wow," Julie said. It was a strange feeling, realizing that everyone was building a life but her, who was taking one apart. She dropped her head so that it landed on his shoulder. "I'm glad you came her Luis." He smiled and looked down at her and kissed the top of her head.

"I'm glad I came too." He said, all he wanted to do was kiss her, but he knew how wrong that would be, the one thing he never did with Julie was take advantage of their closeness, no matter how much he wanted to. "You should call Adam."

"Yeah," she said. "I know. I told him I would." She sighed, if it had been another time and place she would have kissed Luis, she knew it, but as it was, the moment was ruined and she was still married and her and Luis's time had passed a long time ago. She stood up and walked up to her bedroom. She picked up her cell phone and went to the number for home on the phonebook menu. She pressed send and waited for it connect and ring. She didn't know what she was going to say, unlike the last phone called which she had planned very carefully. The phone rang.

"Julie?" She heard Charlie's voice on the other end.

"Charlie?" She said. "What are you doing there? Where's Adam?"

"He fell asleep, finally." Charlie said. "It's like1:30 here, which makes it like 2:30 where you are. What are you doing up?"

"I, um" she knew she should tell the truth, that she got lost in conversation with Luis and lost track of time, but for some reason she couldn't bring herself too. "I couldn't sleep. I told Adam I'd call so I thought that…"

"Do you want me to wake him up?" Charlie said.

"No, I'll call in the morning, oh shit, he'll have work," Julie said, knowing that nothing ever kept her husband from his job. "I guess that,"

"I convinced him to call in sick." Charlie said, "I'll have him call you. Are you OK, Julie? I mean, the baby and everything?"

"I'm not," she said truthfully, "but I will be. Thanks Charlie, take care of him, please?"

"No problem," Charlie said, "come home Julie The Cat. We miss you around here."

"Yeah," she said. "Bye." She hung up before he had a chance to say goodbye. _Come home Julie. _She looked around, there was a time that this was home, but she knew it wasn't anymore. But she also felt like the house in Minnesota wasn't home either. Where exactly was home?

Luis walked up the stairs. He had slept in the Gaffney's spare room before, he knew where it was. He popped his head into Julie's bedroom to see if she was sleeping. She wasn't, just staring out the window with her arms crossed. He walked over.

"I just wanted to say good night." He said, quietly walking over.

"Oh," she turned around. "Good night, thanks for coming. I never would have asked you too, but I needed it. God you know me so well." She made out his shape in the moonlight. He was really gorgeous, she smiled, she wondered if he ever thought about how life would have turned out if ten years ago she had made a different decision. She knew that she thought about it, a lot recently. What if she had gotten back together with Luis when he wanted to? Not even thinking she walked over to give him a hug good night, but instead of hugging she found herself kissing him passionately. He kissed her back for a moment, and then he remembered himself and pulled away.

"No," he said, "Julie, we can't."

"You never think about it?" She said. "You never wonder what life would have been like if we had stayed together?"

"I didn't say that," he said. "I think about it a lot actually."

"Me too," she said, "so what's the problem."

"The problem is, you're married, and very confused right now. It wouldn't be right." He said. "It wouldn't be fair."

"How can it not be right Luis?" She said angrily. "Do you still love me?"

"Julie that's not the point," he said.

"If you still love me, then who is it unfair to?" She said adamantly.

"What about your husband?" Luis said, trying to be understanding. "What about Adam? This wouldn't be fair to him." He turned around and started to walk out.

"What about Adam?" Julie said. "I mean, do you realize that Adam and I haven't had sex in almost ten months! And that because he's always working we're lucky if we have one meal a week together? He's barely my husband, I left him for a reason, Luis. I don't want to be married to him anymore."

"But that doesn't change the fact that you are." he said. "Look, I'll talk to you in the morning."

"Fine," she said, walking away. "What happened to the guy who asked me to break up with my boyfriend for him? Or the guy who flew halfway across the country to see me just because I wouldn't take his phone calls? Where's that Luis?"

"He grew up Julie." Luis said flatly, "and he got tired of waiting for you to wake up and realize you weren't happy." He turned around and walked out. It took everything he had to leave her in that moment. But he knew that he couldn't stay.

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**Reviews please!!!! I know, this chapter had a lot of really bad clichees in it, but I felt like they worked!**


	6. Chapter 6

**Author's Note: This chapter is a lot like the last one, except it's all Adam. Big doings from him actually, a lot of action, which isn't exactly common from Adam the way I write him. And Coach Bombay makes his once a fic surprise appearance!**

**Disclaimer: Still don't own anything...shame though it may be.

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Chapter 6: Doing what he has to**

The next morning Adam woke up and rolled over to give Julie a kiss good morning. When he rolled over he noticed the empty space where she usually was and he remembered. He looked at the clock, it was almost noon, he was missing work. It didn't even matter to him anymore. He got up and wandered down stairs. He saw Charlie sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee.

"What are you still doing here?" Adam said sitting down. "Man, I appreciate you coming over last night, but this is a little much."

"Yeah, cause I was going to leave you alone last night." Charlie laughed, "I slept in the ba-in the extra room." He stopped himself. Ever since Julie and Adam had bought this house they had called the extra bed room the baby's room.

"Great." Adam said, getting up and pouring himself a cup of coffee.

"Julie called after you fell asleep." Charlie said. "I told her that you would call her."

"What else did you tell her?" Adam said, nervous, he knew that Julie wouldn't like having Charlie as a go between.

"Nothing, just that she was missed, and that she should come home." He said, standing up. "Calm down Adam. I don't want to solve your marriage problems. I'm going to work, you go call her."

"Yeah, thanks again Charlie." He said, going over and picking up the phone. He dialed Julie's cell phone number. He heard the call connect and ring. He waited for Julie to answer. He didn't know what they were going to talk about, or if he would be able to convince her to come back, which made him nervous.

"Hi Adam." She said picking up.

"Hi," he replied. "Charlie said you called."

"Yeah," she murmured, she was still not in a good mood from the night before, Luis had left early in the morning and not said where he was going and when or if he was coming back.

"Listen Julie, I did a lot of thinking last night," he sighed, "I want you to come home. We'll go to counseling, we'll try having a baby again, anything you want. Just please, come back and talk to me!"

"Adam, do you remember when we met?" Julie said, trying to figure out the right way to say what she wanted to.

"We met when we were thirteen Julie, I remember the day perfectly." He said, annoyed at her lack of faith in him. "It was before we left for LA, we were in Minnesota, the first team USA practice. The old ducks scrimmaged against the new kids. I scored a goal on you. I was impressed by you, and I thought you were pretty. You didn't really notice me though. You were too busy with Portman and Luis."

"Do you remember what I was like?" She smiled, she liked the memory of their thirteen year old selves that was coming out.

"You were fierce. Independent, and to be frank I was a little scared of you." He laughed. "But once I got to know you, well, then things were better. You became one of my best friends, and then I fell in love with you." Julie started to cry on the other end of the phone. She didn't deserve him, she didn't deserve the shot at happiness he had given her.

"What about now?" She said, "do you still think I'm the same person?"

"No," he said. "No you're not. You grew up, we both did. It's good that we're not the same people we were when we met Julie. We were kids, still figuring out who we were."

"I think I lost that battle," Julie said quietly. "Because I don't know that piece of information."

"Don't say that," Adam said, "you sound melodramatic and stupid."

"Now wouldn't exactly be a good time to criticize me Adam." She said. "I could always hang up."

"And I can always call back!" He said. This was infuriating, it was the same fight they'd been having for a year, childish and in circles. Nothing ever got better or worse, it was just stagnant.

"I'm hanging up." She said, and was about to when he spoke.

"Julie, wait!" He said, "look, this is ridiculous. Are we going to have this fight again? I'm tired of it. I want to move forward, introduce something new into the conversation please, besides the I'm unhappy and I want to have a baby."

"You want something new?" Julie said frustrated. "Ok, I'll give you something new. I threw myself at Luis last night. How's that for new?"

"Luis? Are you in Miami now? How many ex boyfriends are you going to visit on this little trip of yours?" Adam said, angry. "Did you stop in Boston too? Give Scooter a call?"

"Luis came up here, to see me, because he cares about me and was worried about me." Julie said. "So, after my husband not touching me in months I had a weak moment and I kissed my ex boyfriend."

"What else happened?" Adam said, he wasn't sure he wanted to know.

"Nothing, he rejected me," Julie said. "But that seems to be common lately."

"I can't talk to you right now." Adam said. "I'll call you later."

"Don't even bother." She said and pressed the end button. Adam furiously ran up the stairs and pulled out a suitcase. He was in a blind rage and began grabbing various clothes items from the closet and dresser. He had never been more driven to do something in his entire life. He got in his car and drove to the skate shop where Charlie had just opened. He walked through the door.

"Hey, hi Coach." Adam said waving to Coach Bombay. "I'm going to Maine want to come?" Charlie looked around, looked at a confused Bombay.

"Yeah." Charlie said walking around the counter. He didn't want Adam flying alone, or seeing Julie alone for that matter.

"Why would you be going to Maine?" Coach asked stepping into the conversation. "Is something wrong with Julie's parents?"

"No, she left me, and Luis is there and she kissed him and now I have to go to Maine." Adam explained, still out of breath.

"Luis is there?" Charlie asked. "OK, let's try to be calm about this Adam."

"Nope," he said, "I'm done being calm, I'm going to Maine, and I'm talking to my wife, and I am saving my marriage. I may also kill her ex boyfriend, so come if you want to." He walked back out to the car.

"Can I take a couple of days off?" Charlie said, running towards the door and was out it before Bombay could even answer.

"I definitely missed something." Bombay said, walking around to the back of the shop.


	7. Chapter 7

**Author's notes: So I love how I said I wasn't going to be updating much and I've updated like four times today. Anyway, this chapter is all about the supporting characters...There's some good stuff, some insight in my opinion at least.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything, except Heather! That's right! YAY for Heather...We really get into her in this chapter. I liked it.

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Chapter 7: Turn back the clock**

Luis had been walking for hours. Even though he didn't know the area very well, he knew he could just call Julie when he thought it would be ok to go back. He couldn't even look at her when he woke up that morning. He just went right out. What made him feel the worse was that he knew that she hadn't been drawn to him the night before by love or even attraction. It had been desperation and confusion that caused her to act the way she did. He couldn't lie to himself, he hadn't just come here to make sure that she was OK, what had happened last night had been exactly what he wanted. Or what he thought he wanted. Now that it had happened he couldn't stop thinking about how wrong it was for him to have come here, and to be this person for Julie right now. If he was really concerned about her he would have called Connie, and told her to come. But that kiss, that kiss had brought the ugly truth to light. He was still madly in love with Julie Gaffney, after nearly ten years of denial it came up again. He didn't know what the next step here was, unfortunately.

* * *

Dean sat in his apartment, staring at that damn picture again. He had been looking at it more than anything else. He had become a man obsessed. Suddenly he realized he hadn't heard from Julie despite her promise to call him. He also realized that he didn't have a phone number where he could reach her. Once again he found himself calling someone who he knew could help him. He went into his phone book and dialed the number. He wondered if it was still an active number.

"Heather Banket." Her voice was a little bit lower than he remembered, but that was the only difference, her tone was still that of an overly perky and confident girl.

"Hi Heather, um" he felt supremely awkward, "It's Dean, uh, Dean Portman."

"Yeah, I know who it is," she laughed.

"So I hear you're in Japan." He said.

"I got back yesterday." She said, then a question popped in to her head. "Who'd you hear that from?"

"Julie," he said. "She didn't call you?"

"No," Heather said. "When did she talk to you?"

"Um, I guess it was two days ago." He said, "yeah, two days ago. She came into my bar, and,"

"Oh god Dean, please tell me you aren't such an alcoholic that you have a bar that you go to so much it's yours," she said.

"No, no, I work in a bar." He explained. "Actually I'm probably going to buy it, with Luis strangely enough."

"Wow," Heather said, nodding her head. "Nice initiative Portman. So what did you and Julie talk about?"

"She left Adam," he said, "And ever since I haven't been able to stop thinking about her, but I don't have her number, and I want to call her."

"She left Adam?" Heather said quietly, "wow, that's big. That's really big." She stopped for a minute and took a deep breath, "So you do still love her huh?"

"Yeah," he said quietly. He knew that he had this destructive pattern of taking his feelings for Julie and transferring them to Heather. Actually every time he saw Julie in the past ten years it usually lead to a misguided night with her best friend.

"I guess it was always stupid of me to hope that one day you'd wake up and realize that you never really loved her," Heather said quietly, "that every time you really wanted me."

"Heather, I'm sorry," he said, "I shouldn't have called you, I should have,"

"No," Heather said, "Do you really think I didn't know what was happening? We all have that person in our lives Dean, she's it for you, you're it for me. Look, I'll give you her number, OK?" She pulled out her own address book and found it for him. After she gave it to him they spent the next few minutes just talking. She told him about her job, she was doing well as a Public Relations executive in New York. Her current project was bringing some Japanese kids phenomenon to America. She claimed it was going to be the next Pokemon if she did her job right. He told her about the bar, about what he wanted to eventually do. They finally got back around to Julie. "I was really sad for her." Heather said when they talked about the baby. "But a part of me was happy, you know? Because there was Julie, with her perfect marriage and her amazing husband who worshiped the ground she walked on, and she was about to have the perfect family, and there was me, the ice queen career bitch, who can't stop thinking about her high school boyfriend." She sighed. "I shouldn't have said that. Are you going to tell her?"

"I haven't decided yet." He said quietly, "she's in a really weird place right now. But I need to get it off my chest."

"After fifteen years, yeah that might be a good plan." Heather said. "It was good talking to you. Good bye, Dean." When she said good bye, she meant it, she had no intention of ever talking to him again.

"Bye Heather," He said hanging up. He looked at the napkin where he had Julie's cell phone number scrawled. He knew he had to go to work, and he wanted to be able to actually talk to her, so he put it off once again.

* * *

Julie was still sitting in her living room, now curled up in a fetal position on the couch, unable to stop crying. Her phone rang, she was sure it was Adam, and she had no desire to talk to him. She picked up the phone to hit the ignore button, when she looked and saw the name.

"Heather?" She whimpered.

"Hey, Jules," Heather said, quietly, "How are you doing?"

"I've been better." She said. "I left Adam, I'm at my parents."

"I know, I talked to Dean," Heather confessed.

"Of course," Julie said, her sadness turning to frustration. "Seems like he just can't keep his mouth shut about it!"

"What do you mean?" Heather asked, completely confused.

"He told Luis, and then Luis came here, and then last night I made a horrible mistake and kissed him," Julie said quietly, "And now I don't know where he is. And then I decided to throw it in Adam's face that Luis still cares about me."

"Wow, dysfunction much?" Heather said, "Look, do you want me to come up there?"

"No," Julie said quietly, "I'm fine." She sighed. "Thanks though. Heather?"

"Yes," Heather responded.

"Do you think it's possible to love two people your whole life?" Julie said.

"Julie," Heather said sternly, "You know I've only ever really loved on person, and he didn't love me back, I'm the wrong person to ask."

"I guess so." She said quietly, but privately wondered what she meant. She always thought that Portman was crazy about Heather. "Thanks again. Bye."

"Call me if you need me ok?" Heather said. "Bye." She hung up. "Great," she whispered to herself, "I'm alone and Julie has three men all in love with her. How amazingly classic is this!"

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**A/N: Yes I laid on the agnst pretty thick. But, it's a pretty agnsty situation. Reviews please!**


	8. Chapter 8

**Author's Note: Hey everyone! Look an update! WOOOO!! Ok, so again thanks for the reviews and the support and stuff. Because I know you all care soo much about my life, my new semester is going very well. I'm loving all of my classes and that stuff. Ok so the conflict comes to a head in this chapter, I'm thinking it will only go about two more. Enjoy**

**Disclaimer: I still don't own anything.

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Chapter 8: What were you thinking? **

When Charlie and Adam landed at the airport in Maine they rented a car and started driving to Julie's. Adam had calmed down a little on the flight, but he was still livid. He had agreed to let Charlie drive the rental car and to not yell at Julie when they reached the house. She had specifically said that she needed time away, and didn't want to be him to come out.

"We're here," Charlie said as they stopped in front of the house. "Now what?"

"I'm going inside," Adam said, taking a deep breathe, "You can come if you want to."

"Do you really think I'm gonna let you go in their by yourself?" Charlie said. "She made it pretty clear that she didn't want you here, so you made need protecting, and if Luis is in there he might need protecting."

"You never outgrew those protective mother duck instinct of yours did you?" Adam laughed.

"That's Captain Duck," Charlie said mock sternly. "Come on, Cake Eater, let's get in there."

* * *

Julie was sitting on the couch. There was still no sign of Luis. She thought about what Heather had said, about never being loved back. She knew she was incredibly lucky to have someone who loved her as much as Adam did, but she also knew that that couldn't possibly be enough, because if it was then she wouldn't be as unhappy as she was. As she was lost in a revelry she heard her phone ring. She didn't recognize the number, but she picked it up anyway.

"Hello?" She said.

"Julie?" It was Luis. "Listen don't say anything. I'm going back to Miami. It was wrong for me to come at all, what happened last night made me realize that. I'm always going to love you Julie, which is why I'm leaving. If you decide to leave Adam and when you work some stuff out, give me a call."

"Wait, Luis," she said, "Don't go back. Come back, please?"

"Julie I can't," he said. "It's wrong."

"Just come back and say good bye OK?" She said. "I want to say good bye."

"Fine, I'll come back to say good bye." He sighed. "See you in a little while."

"Bye" She whispered as she hung up. Then she heard a knock on the door. She wondered who it could possibly be. She walked to the front and opened it.

"Hi Julie," Charlie said. She looked at the two of them and then shut the door in their faces.

"Julie!" Adam shouted banging on the door. "Come on, open the door." She opened the door, crossed her arms and stared at him.

"Hi Charlie," she said, "would you like to come in? My mom made spaghetti last night there are lots of leftovers. And can you please tell Adam that I specifically said that I didn't want him to come here, and that if he can't even do that how am I supposed to believe he'll listen to anything I say?"

"I'm right here Julie, you can't keep me out of the house," Adam said. "I came to talk to you."

"Charlie, please tell Adam that I don't want to talk to him." Julie said sweetly.

"Julie, please stop acting like you're seven," Charlie said, indignantly, "and let us in the house. We're twenty eight years old, I think we're past this."

"Fine," she said moving out of the way. "Come in." As they were walking in, Luis walked up. He saw Charlie and Adam and quickly hurried to Julie.

"What's going on?" He said as he caught up. Adam started towards him. Charlie put his arm in front of him.

"No, Adam," Charlie shook his head. "Come on Luis, why don't you and I go upstairs."

"I'm not staying long." Luis said glaring at Julie.

"Why are you even here?" Adam said to him. "I mean, seriously, what did you think, me and Julie hit a rough patch and immediately you swoop in and try to get her back."

"See why I wanted to go upstairs?" Charlie said, feeling incredibly defeated.

"Look Adam, I made a mistake," Luis said. "I just came to say goodbye, then I'm leaving."

"A mistake?" Adam laughed. "Yeah, I'd say it was a mistake. We're married remember? I mean, I know that you never really liked the fact that she chose me over you, but I thought that you at least respected the fact that she's my wife, but obviously that didn't matter right, I mean all that ever mattered was what you wanted from her,"

"You don't know what you're talking about," Luis said turning around and walking towards the door.

"Wait!" Julie said, "Don't leave Luis. Adam do I get to talk?" She looked at him. As Adam was about to answer her cell phone rang. "Hold on." She said.

"Don't answer it Julie!" Adam said, almost begging. "Please, Julie." She glared at him and put it down.

"Fine." She said going over to the couch.

"I think I'll take you up on that upstairs thing now Charlie." Luis said quietly.

"Good plan." Charlie nodded and they headed up the stairs.

"I told you not to come." Julie said.

"I know, but I couldn't stay away." He sat down next to her. "Julie I love you."

"So you keep saying." She said.

* * *

"Seriously man, what were you thinking?" Charlie asked, "seriously, man? I mean, why did you come up here?"

"I wasn't thinking," Luis answered. "It's how it always is when it comes to Julie. I do first, then I think."

"That has always been your problem." Charlie nodded. "But it's different now, we're not kids anymore, and she's married, and you, you my friend, need to move on."

"I thought I had," he said. "If I had thought that anything like this was going to happen I wouldn't have come."

"You are so full of shit!" Charlie laughed. "If you really thought that Julie was going to go back to Adam, you never would have gotten on that plane."

"I know," Luis said. "How do you know us all so well?"

"It's the whole Captain thing," Charlie said. "I do it very very well."

* * *

Dean sighed as the phone call went to voice mail. As much as he didn't want to do it this way, now that he finally had the courage to tell her he couldn't bring himself to not say what he was planning on saying. He waited for the beep.

"Hi Julie," he cleared his throat. "It's Dean, look, I, I um, don't know how to say this, but ever since you came into the bar that night I haven't been able to stop thinking about you. I love you Julie, and not in that protective older brother way that you always thought I did. Look, I know you're going through a lot right now, but if there's any chance that you might feel the same way, I know there isn't much, but, look, if you could just call me and talk to me. Thanks." He hung up. "I blew it." He said to himself.

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**Yes yes I know, poor Dean. Don't worry things will look up for him. Reviews please!**


	9. Chapter 9

**Author's Note: Well, I finished it. Yeah, it's over. Thanks as always for all of the reviews and stuff! To all of my loyal readers...thanks so much for your reviews, I hope you like the ending! Because I'm me, there's no need to worry, everyone ends happily ever after.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters in this, until the very very end. Which I don't want to spoil for anyone!

* * *

Chapter 9: The end, and the beginning **

"Why didn't you want to see me?" Adam asked, taking Julie's hand. "Why didn't you want to talk this out face to face?"

"I thought if I saw you I would change my mind." Julie answered quietly. "I was so sure that I wanted to leave, and I thought that if I saw you, if I looked you in the eye, I would stay. I love you so much Adam, I loved being married to you, but it just, its gotten too hard."

"It's supposed to be hard, Julie," he said, touching his forehead to hers. "No one told us this was going to be easy. Julie, come home, we'll work it out."

"I don't want to Adam." She said firmly. "I can't be married to you anymore. The first time we hit a bump you ran scared."

"I didn't run, that was you." He said. "I didn't go anywhere, you were the one who left."

"What you did was worse, Adam." She defended herself. "You shut me out. You stopped talking, you told me you didn't want the things I wanted anymore. You stopped compromising, I gave everything and I got nothing back. I gave up my career aspirations for you, I gave up my faith for you and I gave up my dreams for you. What did you give up Adam?"

"I gave up the NHL, Julie!" He said, "or did you forget that? I had a real shot, I could have been some one, but I took an office job instead so that we could be grounded, have roots and start our family! I gave up my dreams too, I traded them, for new ones."

"Please you took the easy way out," Julie said, "I never said I didn't want you to play anymore, I would have gone to wherever you were playing, you made that decision."

"All you talked about was us being together, and I thought that with all the traveling involved in being a pro team, it would have been harder." Adam tried to justify the decision. "I made the decision, but you never said you wanted me to keep playing."

"I didn't know you wanted to." Julie said. "We were graduating college, we were engaged and you had like six offers from pro teams, and then you tell me that you want to work for a friend of your dad's instead of playing hockey. You said that you had thought about it, that it was what you really wanted. What were you waiting for, me to say, 'No Adam, you should enter the incredibly risky and unstable world of the NHL, even though you claim to have thought long and hard and decided that you didn't want that anymore?' Is that what you wanted?"

"At least I was in one place," Adam said, "I was always there for you; I was going to be there all the time. That was why I made the decision, so that I could be home for you and for our children."

"You ended up traveling just as much in your job!" Julie shook her head. "And at least if you'd played hockey you would have been happy. We're twenty eight Adam, we're supposed to be at the happy part of our marriage, the part where we're buying a house and having babies, instead we fight or ignore each other. This isn't what it's supposed to be."

"Julie we can still have that," he said, "there's still time for that. But not if you won't come home."

"I can't Adam!" She said. "I'm calling Bombay tomorrow and asking if he can get me a good divorce lawyer."

"Julie, please, don't do that." Adam said, he started to cry, "Please, you're everything, you're my life."

"No Adam," Julie said, "you had a life before me, and you'll have one after. I'm so sorry. Look, you shouldn't stay here tonight, I'm sure you can get a room somewhere."

"Julie," He started.

"Adam" she said, putting her hand on his lips and then gently kissing him. "This is what I want."

"Are you going to," he said, still crying, "I mean, Luis?"

"No," Julie said quietly, understanding exactly what he was saying "I think I'm going to go to New York, stay with Heather, at least until I find a job or sell a piece of writing. Promise me something Adam?"

"What?" He said, looking into her eyes and seeing tears.

"Promise that you won't be afraid to move on." She explained. "I want you to fall in love again."

"I can't make that promise." Adam said, standing up. "You were it for me Julie, you always were. I'll go get Charlie."

"Good bye Adam." She said standing up and giving him a hug. "I love you."

"I love you too." He whispered in her ear. He kissed her and then walked out. She sat on the couch and began to sob heavily. Her phone rang again. She should have known better, but for some reason she felt the need to answer it.

"Hello?" She said quietly, wiping the tears from her eyes.

"Julie?" Dean's voice rang clearly on the other end. "Are you alright?"

"Dean?" She said, "Oh, I was supposed to call you! I'm so sorry, it's just Luis showed up at my parent's and then well, I just lost my head."

"Luis," he sighed, he should have known, "then you two decided?"

"No, no," she shook her head, "God no! It was a mistake on both sides, he shouldn't have come, I shouldn't have done the things I did."

"Then why are you crying?" He said, quietly.

"I just said goodbye to Adam." She said. "I'm calling a lawyer tomorrow."

"I take it that you didn't get my message then?" He said practically whispering. He couldn't blow this again, he knew that much.

"You left me a message?" She said, "Oh that was you calling, right before, oh." She stopped.

"Julie, I need to say something, something I've wanted to say for a long time," he took a deep breath.

* * *

**2 years later**

He was pacing the floor of the hospital. He couldn't believe he had passed out. Of all the things in the world to happen, now he wasn't going to watch the birth of his first child. He'd talked about this since they had gotten married, how he wanted to watch all of their kids be born. He felt really stupid for what had happened, but the more he thought about it, the more typical it seemed.

"Mr. Banks?" The nurse said, coming out of the delivery room. "Are you feeling better, do you want to come in now?"

"Is it over?" He asked, knowing the answer, and being half disappointed.

"Yes," the nurse smiled, "you have a son, a healthy baby boy."

Adam wanted to fall on his knees and kiss the ground, but instead he just walked into the room and smiled.

"So it's a boy?" He said, sitting down next to Heather.

"Yeah," Heather said, quietly, "What should we name him?"

"I was thinking Julian." Adam said, "I mean, unless you'd rather not…"

"No," Heather said, "I like the name, and it's appropriate. Actually I was thinking that if the next one is a girl, we could name her Deena."

"Deena," Adam laughed in agreement, "Julian and Deena, yeah, I like that."

* * *

"So what are we naming this perfect little angel?" Dean said cradling his new baby daughter in his arms. "Do you still think she should be Kitty?" 

"If it's OK with you," Julie smiled, "I mean, that was Adam and my name so if you'd rather something else…"

"No," he said, "No, I always liked it. Kitty Portman, it's nice."

"Am I ever going to be able to meet my goddaughter?" Luis said, popping his head into the room, "Maybe I can even hold her?"

"Come on in Luis," Julie laughed, "meet Kitty. Dean let him hold her." Dean rolled his eyes and then gently handed the bundled baby to Luis.

"It's nice to meet you Kitty," Luis said, smiling at her. "Here you go," he handed her down to Julie, "Come on Dean, let's leave the mother with her daughter, you have some phone calls to make." Julie smiled as they walked out. She looked down at the baby, she grabbed a rattle and moved it over Kitty's face. She saw the little girls eye's light up and then her tiny hand came up and grabbed at the rattle.

"Looks like you've got the fast hands already," Julie laughed. "That's good, you can be a goalie like I was. Or not, you could break your daddy's heart and not play hockey at all." She looked at the baby; she wasn't going to be able to claim that this child looked anything like her. She looked at Kitty's dark skin and head of dark curls. This was Dean's baby, no doubt about that. "I love you so much. You are everything I have ever wanted, you and your father. It took a long time for us to get here kid," she said, and kissed her daughter's forehead. "But I don't regret any of it. Granted, I think I'm going to wait a long time before I tell you the whole story. But I'll tell it, and you'll know all about how me and your dad ended up together. That and how your Uncle Luis became your Uncle Luis, both of those are kind of long stories, but you'll hear them some day. I promise."

"Can I come back in?" Dean said, "or are you still mother daughter bonding?"

"Come in!" Julie laughed.

"She's beautiful isn't she?" Dean said. "Do you think she'll be offense or defense?"

"She's two hours old and you're fitting her for skates already!" Julie laughed. "And who says she'll be playing up anyway, maybe she'll be in goal?"

"Maybe," Dean laughed. "I love you."

"I love too," Julie said, she kissed him, "And we love you Kitty."

"That's right," Dean said, "We love you."

**The End

* * *

Well, tell me what you think, it's unexpected right? That's what I was kind of going for...Anyway, I'm going to be taking a break for a bit, maybe work on the crossover, but that would be it. I really am glad that this came out the way I wanted it to, and that other people like it! Thanks as always!**


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